


Helpless, hopeless, hapless

by MissSanguineOus



Category: Temeraire - Naomi Novik
Genre: Hugging, M/M, Pining, Temeraire is this one friend the other two friends crushing on each other go to to vent, but I'll be damned if i don't do it 101st, mutual pining mutual idiots, not to be nsfw but theres handholding, okay i know this story has been done probably a hunderd times, set right after the "League of dragons", the tried and true he-will-never-love-me-GASP-he-does cliche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 06:06:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18911080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissSanguineOus/pseuds/MissSanguineOus
Summary: Tharkay invites Laurence and Temeraire to stay at his estate until they find a place of their own. Belatedly he realizes the complications that having Laurence so close to him might bring about.It definitely was not the most fortunate idea to invite the man he was deeply, undeniably, hopelessly in love with to stay with him.





	Helpless, hopeless, hapless

 

 _Perhaps it was not the most fortunate idea to invite Laurence to stay here_ , Tharkay thought.

It definitely was not the most fortunate idea to invite the man he was deeply, undeniably, hopelessly in love with to stay here.

Tharkay sat in his dining room alone, with a half-empty teapot as his sole companion. It was early morning of the first of many days that were to follow, each being a punishment for Tharkay's generosity.

Of course the solution was only temporary, until Laurence and Temeraire find themselves a place that suits them, but even though there was plenty of land to choose from around the borough, the area was small enough for all of them to be within a ten minute's flight from Tharkay's estate, so that even when he has moved there, Laurence might as well live next door.

And even until that happens, however, still some time had to pass and Tharkay could not understand whatever has possessed him to invite them to stay in his estate for the time being, of all possible options.

They could have stayed in town. Or in London or in Laurence's family estate, for that matter, and allow him to oversee all the process of managing them a new home and take care of everything. Tenzing could have figured out something else.

Something, anything, that did not involve Will Laurence living a room away from him and Will Laurence having meals with him every day and Will Laurence being around for most of the time, since for once they were not, unfortunately, in a war-torn country where Tharkay could just disappear whenever he pleased.

He has wilfully sentenced himself for everyday torment of having Laurence within his reach, yet so far out of it.

For Tharkay had no doubt that Will was well out of his reach. Throughout all the years of their acquaintance, Laurence has neither said nor done anything that would even remotely suggest otherwise. One, he has never shown any sign of being interested in anyone but women. Two, Tharkay has not noticed even a single, smallest clue that he might have been a lucky exception.

All Tharkay could do now was try to uphold their friendship as it was, not being able to hope for anything more. He did not trust himself enough to keep a cool head at all times though – he feared that some day he will let something slip and ruin everything. Which is why he had to keep Will at distance in order to stay close, until, hopefully, one day all his feelings die out and he will be able to see Laurence as nothing more but a friend. Be happy for Will when he marries, perhaps, and grows old surrounded by a loving family, blissfully unaware of Tenzing's feelings.

Tharkay felt a cold fist closing around his stomach. _That is fine_ , he thought, _you went through this once, you can do so again_. Although he did allow himself to silently hope that Temeraire's presence will deter any possible marriage schemes involving Laurence. After all, even retired aviators rarely set up families if they still had to care for their dragons.

Such thoughts passed through Tharkay's mind as the poor man sat miserably in his chair and tried not to think about how a few feet above his head the very person occupying his mind was presumably still sleeping peacefully, unaware of how much trouble he was causing even when he did not try.

He tried not to think of his face, probably with waves of blond hair falling all over it, freed from the ribbon usually holding them back. He also attempted to ignore the fact that he could unmistakeably recall and picture every single scar, every single freckle and wrinkle on that face, even the way Will's mouth opened slightly as he breathed deeply in his sleep.

He envied Will the peace and the ability to rest, and being undisturbed by any unwanted feelings.  
  
*  


Laurence could not rest.

Overall tiredness – both mental and physical – and the possibility to finally lie down and relax, knowing all is well and that he can finally be at peace and that everyone he cared about were safe and relatively close to him was enough to keep him sound asleep throughout the majority of the night. It was not almost until dawn when he woke up and found himself unable to fall back asleep.

His weariness, apparently, lost against the years of habit of arising early. However, Will decided to take advantage of being allowed to stay in bed as long as he pleased and closed his eyes, letting his thoughts to wander freely.

For the past few years, Laurence scarcely thought of his future farther than a few days ahead, weeks, at best, preoccupied with his numerous and very present problems. Now, he had this ability.

He pondered about the fact that it seemed as though Temeraire was the one to be doing all the fighting by himself from now on, while he, Laurence, shall have to stand aside. As usual, such arrangement did not appeal to him much. However, he never enjoyed politics, neither did he know how to properly deal with such and now he could not even do much besides supporting Temeraire. A blessing and a curse.

He was over the moon that Temeraire could finally fight a war worth him – one where he fought for something he genuinely believed in. Laurence almost pitied the members of the Parliament. Almost.

Finally, they both could have a home of their own, one that even exceeded the one in New South Wales, at least in some matters. Namely, in having all the people – and dragons – they were happy to call their friends being merely a few hours’ away tops. Two of them within a quarter of a mile radius from him at the moment.

Laurence felt his lips forming a smile. He did not realize how much he missed Tharkay for the few weeks they were apart. If was not until they met back in England that it struck him how hitherto something has been missing, as if there was a Tharkay-shaped hole in his surroundings. Sometimes he would glance around the camp, looking for something that was not there, even though he would not be able to say what was that supposed to be. Or he would turn to share his thoughts with someone, who, at times, was neither Temeraire, nor Granby, although, if asked, Will would probably claim it was either of them. He thought he got used to Tharkay disappearing. Being by his side at one moment and gone the other. He got accustomed to Tharkay being the absence rather than presence. He thought he did not mind.

Laurence realised he did very much mind.

It was unexpected. It was Tharkay's thing to be gone, why should he, Will, be displeased if he was not nearby at all times? After all, he had no right to demand his presence, even though all this time spent with him, Laurence found himself wishing that he would stay for good. How could he mind Tharkay not being there with his sharp wit and his advice and his generally reassuring presence?

Looking at it now, from a distance, Will realised it has been there for quite some time. Perhaps it started when he found Tharkay in China and with him, he found himself, at the moment when all of Tharkay’s presence in his life until that point struck him with the power of a thunder? Or maybe earlier, on their way to New South Wales, when he realised how glad he was that Tenzing would accompany them on the voyage to the unknown and that the strange, new world could not throw at them anything they could not handle all together.

Either way, it certainly was good to have his dear friend nearby.

Laurence frowned. Something did not seem right with that. Granby was a dear friend, yet it felt different with Granby. Thinking of Granby did not make his stomach clench, nor did seeing Granby made his heart flutter as happily.

Yet... what other explanation could there possibly be? Surely, his feelings could not have been of different nature... Could they?

Laurence sat up in his bed, all chance of sleep lost for good, now, that his thoughts have wandered beyond the border of harmless pondering.

Could he have been so preoccupied with more urgent matters to miss this subtle, yet groundbreaking change of his attitude towards Tharkay? Could he have missed the moment he no longer thought of him as nothing more but a friend, just as he missed the moment when Tenzing was not anymore just a chance ally and instead a person that Laurence genuinely cared for and trusted and relied on?

Will swallowed, feeling his face get hot and pulse thudding in his ears.

 _This cannot be_ , he thought. _He is a dear friend, nothing else. Nothing more._

He got up. The feeling of utter peace vanished and he did not suppose he would find it again quickly.

Laurence got dressed and decided to go for a short walk and visit Temeraire. He felt he could really use some fresh air. In the dark, a bit stuffy bedroom, wildest notions could seem true.

The plan was good. Laurence did not foresee, however, that he might run into trouble in the person of Tharkay, sitting in the dining room, staring at the distance with a pensive expression and being gently illuminated by the soft light of the sun that has just appeared on the horizon.

Laurence stared at him, frozen in the doorway. At that moment all but two thoughts vanished from his mind.

 _My word, he is beautiful_ , was the first one.

A very distressed _Oh, dear_ was the second.

Laurence sincerely hoped he had managed to get rid of the dumbstruck expression before Tharkay looked at him.

 

*

 

Tharkay looked away from the window at which he was staring grimly, barely perceiving the wild charm of the misty countryside behind it, which normally he would take at least a moment to admire.

He flinched, seeing Will standing in the doorway. Tharkay felt like scorning himself for allowing Will to approach unheard which usually was his own domain. The intrusion cut in into his thoughts, making him feel uncomfortably exposed as if one look at his face could betray everything.

For a moment he feared his absurd – surely, absurd – notion was more true than one might assume, for Will's expression – peaceful, almost dreamy, with a soft smile wandering around his lips when Tharkay noticed him – turned abashed when their eyes met and Tharkay's heart froze as he thought however his own expression might have betrayed him in the moment of surprise.

He regained himself quickly, not allowing the awkwardness to sink in and paralyze him.

When he spoke, he gladly found his voice composed enough.

 

*

 

"Somebody has slept late" Tharkay said "The sun is almost up, for Heaven's sake"

"Are we late for something?" Will asked, forcing himself to walk towards the table.

He noticed that Tharkay was wearing his usual, very informal, very much not smart garments, which somehow made the situation worse, now that he resembled his old self more.

"Not even remotely" Tharkay said "Precisely my point. You could have allowed yourself to rest"

"I tried. I could not" Will shrugged "And I wanted to check on Temeraire before breakfast"

"Oh, yes, about that" Tharkay said, smiling wryly "Thanks to the courtesy of my cousins, you are currently talking with the entire staff of this estate, cook included"

"I beg your pardon?"

"My family did not consider it necessary to employ anyone here after it became clear they will not be able to keep the house and I have not yet managed to find new staff. The upside is we can have breakfast literally any time we want. We will however have to fix it ourselves. We shall have to eat dinner in town as well" Tenzing hesitated "I am sorry, Will. I was hoping I could offer both of you a better stay"

"You have nothing to apologise for!" Laurence said, more heartily than he intended "I am sorry that our arrival will cause you trouble"

"Trouble I will suffer gladly" Tenzing said, getting up.

Laurence's heart skipped a beat.

"I have nothing too fancy, I fear" Tharkay said, heading to the kitchen "I will also have to apologise to Temeraire for having him hunt in the woods, while I know he has been used to more sophisticated cuisine"

"Tenzing, pray tell me you do not think so low of me – of us – to expect that we would mind something so unimportant after everything you have done for us"

Tharkay smiled lightly, not looking at him.

Laurence felt his face get hot. He did not mean to sound so passionate. How was he supposed to uphold the status quo and not ruin their friendship if he could not stop himself from blurting out such remarks?

Despite the lack of a proper cook, Tharkay saw to it that the kitchen is supplied more than sufficiently and they were able to eat a simple, yet tasty meal, consisting of eggs and bread and only slightly burned bacon.

After cleaning up, they agreed to go to town at noon, to try and continue the search for staff and to find somewhere to eat. Laurence left the house with unpleasant relief. He was highly upset with the fact that, apparently, he could no longer allow himself to be entirely comfortable in Tharkay's company. The company of one of the few people who saw him at his best and at his worst. Whom he could trust with his life and would never keep anything from. Well. Until now, that is.

If he had any doubt that his relationship with Tenzing has shifted, he no longer did.

Laurence headed to Temeraire. The dragon's familiar silhouette, once mistook by the Queen of Prussia for a hill, was visible at the bottom of an actual hill that Tharkay's house was situated on. Laurence hoped to find comfort in the company of the dragon, as well as to clear his head a little bit.

Temeraire was still napping on a stony beach by the small lake, which was visible from the back windows of the house, less than four hundred yards away. The dragon has found himself a spot underneath an old alder tree, whose lowest branches brushed against his back.

Laurence sat by Temeraire's head, careful not to startle the dragon. They arrived at the estate late at night the previous evening, therefore until now, he was not given the ability to take a good look at the landscape surrounding the area. And was it worth looking at.

The lake filled a hollow at the end of a small valley and almost all his banks were covered in woods. Around them, a range of steep hills enclosed the valley, its sides with almost no trees, apart from a single pine here and there.

It was a place Laurence would gladly call home.

Quarter an hour passed, when Temeraire woke up. He yawned widely, presenting a full set of teeth that would scare any bystanders, had any happened to be nearby. He noticed Laurence sitting by his side and nudged him lightly with his head.

"Good morning" he said

"To you as well, dear" Laurence replied, raising his hand to scratch Temeraire’s nose.

"Have you slept well?"

"Better than I have in a long time"

"So did I" Temeraire said, laying his head on the ground again and gazing at the lake "I like this place very much, Laurence. If I were to have a pavilion right here, by this lake, it would make me ever so happy. To wake up every day to a view like this."

"Yes, I am certain this entire area is spectacular" Laurence said, a bit too hastily "There must be beautiful estates aplenty to choose from around the borough"

"Oh, yes" the dragon glanced at him "Do you not think, however, that maybe we could stay here? We should ask Tharkay. His mansion is so big and he lives there all by himself. Do you reckon he would mind?"

"Well, uh, I am certain that he would allow us to stay if we asked" Laurence said, unsurely.

Temeraire glanced at him with one eye.

"Is something the matter, Laurence?" he asked "Do you not wish to stay here?"

"Why, no!" Laurence said "That is, I do, I merely..."

"Is something amiss with Tharkay?" Temeraire asked "Are you upset with him?"

"Well, no... It is... difficult to explain"

"Do try, however" Temeraire said "I am certain whatever troubles you, we can find a solution together"

Laurence chuckled, leaning against Temeraire's warm nose. How could he explain the situation to the dragon, when he himself was not sure what his feelings were? He has already learned that the dragons saw the world in much simpler patterns, hence had simple solutions to problems. Such rarely worked out in human world.

"We have gone through quite a lot together, have we not?" he asked "You, me, and Tharkay"

"Indeed" Temeraire said "I am glad that we found him.”

Laurence chuckled once more. He wondered for how long has Temeraire thought of Tharkay as a part of his crew.

"As am I" he said "We owe him so much"

"We do. Is that about it, Laurence?" Temeraire asked "Do you reckon it would be too much if we asked him to share his home with us?"

"Why, no, I believe he would not be very opposed to the idea. I just fear... I may... Oh, I do not know how to say it!"

Laurence ran his fingers through his hair.

Whatever he felt, it was nothing like his feelings for Edith Galman a long, long time ago. They grew up together and enjoyed each other's company and she was kind and lovely and how could he not have fallen in love with her? However after all the time they were spending apart, it became more of a habit than an actual emotion, still cherished by Laurence, because it was pleasant to think there was someone he loved waiting for him back at home, when he was at sea.

It was nothing like the impression of being in love with Jane either, since that was exactly all it was – an impression.

And now? He tried to name all the emotions in a tangled bundle surrounding Tharkay in his mind.

There was trust, one that appeared and grew as they faced one peril after another together and learned to rely on each other.

There was also gratitude, for all the things Tharkay has done for him and Temeraire, for all the times he helped them, even though no one would ask that of him.

There was this never ending chain of debts – owing, repaying and being owed, to the point where Will no longer knew whose turn was it to save whose life. And who has done it more times.

However in this ravel of rather simple, understandable emotions, there was something Laurence could not quite name. The vague feeling of something being unsaid. As if every conversation they had lacked words – crucial words, yet when he tried to find them, he could not.

And now, he began to suspect what those words were.

"You see, Temeraire" Laurence began, figuring out what he was saying as he went "I feel... I am not sure what Tenzing is to me exactly"

"Is he not our friend?" the dragon asked.

"What if, to me, he was something else?" Laurence blurted out.

"Something else?"

"Something more"

"Oh" Temeraire tilted his head "Oh, alright. I do not mind. I know I said I did not want you to marry anyone, but that was when I thought you were going to propose to Mrs. Pemberton. I am glad you did not. That is, she was very polite and always dressed neatly enough and she surely did help us a lot and was very brave, but I would much rather have Tharkay to..."

"Whoa! Whoa!" Laurence exclaimed, feeling his face burn "I never said... This is a bit too far-fetched, do you not think so? I was merely... and even if, such things are not allowed"

"I see" Temeraire said and after a few seconds he shook his head "I do not see. What is not allowed?"

"To be this way. To feel such... things towards a man" Laurence blushed even more.

He had to admit though, that after all he has done in terms of breaking the law, his possible, hypothetical, not yet confirmed, maybe even utterly mistook feelings towards Tharkay bothered him only slightly at best.

"Why?" Temeraire asked.

"It is just... not how it is supposed to be"

"How can it not be supposed to be when it is?"

"Oh, Good Lord" Laurence buried his face in his hands "I... I do not know, Temeraire. It is just not allowed"

"By whom?"

"I do not know. The Church? The government?"

"Ah, very well then" Temeraire nodded "I cannot understand why the Government could possibly care who fancies whom, but I will see to it that they revoke it when I am in the Parliament"

The conversation was getting out of hand.

"Can we just drop the subject of marriage?" Laurence asked "It is all speculation, anyway. As I said, I still need to figure it out. I still do not know"

"I do" Temeraire said "I did not understand earlier, but now it seems obvious"

"It... wait, what?" Laurence stared at the dragon.

Temeraire moved in a way that could only be a shrug.

"You glance at him" he said "Ever since we went abroad the _Allegiance_ to sail to New South Wales. Like he was a handsome, shiny necklace. Possibly with some nice jewels"

Laurence used the chuckle caused by the comparison used by the dragon– it seemed only fitting to be used by dragon – to hide his abashment.

"I did?" he asked

"From time to time"

Laurence considered it. He barely remembered anything from the ship. Regarding Tharkay... Well, all he could recall was still feeling guilty about how he acted during the invasion as well as the inability to express his gratitude for how Tharkay put an end to it. There was also undeniable content due to his company, which he already acknowledged.

But glancing? Could it truly be? For so long? It seemed unsettlingly in agreement with what Laurence began to suspect in the morning.

"And if you could see" Temeraire continued "the look on your face when you carried him out of those caves, you would know"

"I was as concerned as I would be for any of you"

"That was something else"

Laurence stared at the dragon.

Valid though his points were, he felt they already spent too much time talking about him. He got up and rested against Temeraire's head, stroking its warm scaly skin with both hands.

"You know that whatever happens, you will always be most important to me, yes?" he asked "I need nothing else, if I know you are happy"

"I want you to be happy too" Temeraire replied.

"I am, dear. I am perfectly"

 

***

 

Their trip to town initially went unexpectedly easier that Laurence had feared. Tharkay's curt manner – so familiar, so comforting – made it easy for Laurence to slip back into their usual roles – two good friends, enjoying a warm afternoon in town, hunting for a proper cook at least.

Except now Laurence himself realized he was glancing. He stopped as soon as he noticed.

Everything was going fine until dinner. They found some decent place. Decent has been the most flattering way to describe it and it hardly corresponded with Tharkay's current status, but Laurence's protests were ignored. He had to admit though that he felt more comfortable here, than in some posh restaurant he used to enjoy so much a long time ago. Supposedly, it shall take both of them a while to get used to the roles of respectable landlords.

Laurence was not sure however if he could ever get used to this new Tharkay. Obviously, he had to change into garments more suitable for appearing in public. Wearing all smart clothing and appearing overall, well, respectable, did not look bad on him (quite the opposite) yet he did look misplaced in such attire. Laurence's Tharkay was the one with his skin tan from the desert sun and his clothing simple and practical and worn out from the endless journey and his hair tied loosely, and tugged by the wind.

The image alone was enough to make Laurence feel warmth in his heart and a tight knot in his stomach, as he looked at Tharkay. To his horror, Tenzing noticed and smirked at him.

"Can I help you, Captain?" he asked in a tone so very familiar to Will from the first days of their acquaintance – betraying amusement, mocking then, now teasing.

Laurence felt his cheeks get warm. He realized he was blushing, which made them get even warmer.

"Just... trying to get accustomed to it" Laurence pointed vaguely at Tharkay's apparel.

"Is it that bad?"

"No!" Laurence said and immediately desired to cut his tongue off.

"You look positively... respectable" he added

"Good. Let us hope it is enough to fool everyone"

Will let out a quiet sigh of relief at his managing to handle the situation and from that moment he made a point of looking anywhere but at Tharkay. Unfortunately, the surroundings could hardly hold anyone's interest for a longer period of time and in a few minutes Laurence found himself desperately searching for distraction until the food arrived and once more they had something to focus on.

"Will" Tharkay said suddenly as they were halfway through their first dish "I do not recall you ever telling me the story of how you come across Temeraire"

"Temeraire?" Laurence asked, surprised by the sudden question.

"Yes, Temeraire" Tharkay said politely "You know, the dragon? Perhaps you have heard of him"

Laurence smirked at the sneer.

Being brought up as a gentleman, he was taught in the art of conversation and storytelling. Being a shipman for the majority of his life, he perfected the skill of retelling various adventures and sea battles. Being an aviator, he could talk about his dragon for hours and before he knew it, Laurence was relating the encounter with the _Amité_ and the aftermath, savouring the freshly recovered memories of the events as well as the fact that he could share them with Tharkay.

It seemed proper for Laurence to ask Tenzing some question of value similar to his in return, which would be quite troublesome, since Tenzing has never been overly keen on talking about his past. Luckily, his story was followed by further questions form Tharkay himself, so that he was spared a difficult impasse.

By the time the second dish arrived, they were hastily filling the blanks that appeared every time they split and obviously were far from uneventful. Tharkay was utterly disgruntled when he learned of the duel between Will and Dobrożnow – a detail that Laurence meant to omit, but which somehow got out anyway.

"That was careless and idiotic" Tharkay said, crossing his arms "You could have gotten yourself shot"

Something in Will's face must have betrayed him, for Tharkay squinted his eyes and glared at him.

"Tell me you did not" he said

"It was merely a scratch" Will said quickly "I have suffered worse"

"And attempted to beat the score?" Tharkay asked sarcastically "Will, what were you thinking?"

"It had to be done" Laurence shrugged "I could not have acted otherwise"

"Sometimes I wish you were capable of some degree of healthy egoism" Tharkay said "And at least a hint of self-preservation instinct"

"I wonder where we would be now, if I were"

"Certainly in a world with much less lives left" Tharkay said "And an empty chair before you. But it may not always be worth it"

"I beg to differ"

"Of course you do" Tharkay said "I do hope that from now on, you will have less opportunity to value everyone else's well-being higher than yours"

Will smiled and raised his cup.

"To peace" he said

"To peace of mind" Tharkay added.

 

*

 

Which was incidentally the exact opposite of how Tharkay felt as they rode back to the estate. So far, the day has been a series of unfortunate events. And it was barely six p.m.

He thought he had everything under control. He acted as if nothing has changed between them, forcing himself to remember that on Will's part it indeed has not and it seemed to work sustainably. Tharkay almost managed to convince himself that they could go on like this. He could just shove all these emotions, which seemed to have strengthened during the time he did not see Laurence and had scarcely any news from him, to the back of his mind and ignore them, as he usually did.

But then he noticed Will looking at him and something in his face made Tharkay's chest go tight and then... these _words_ flew out of his mouth. Words that were the closest thing he had ever done to being coquettish. He wished he could cut off his tongue as he saw how flustered Will was hearing something like that from him.

It all went downhill from there. Provoking Will to dive into the story about Temeraire seemed like a good way to avoid talking – and saying something he would regret – himself. Yes. It seemed that way, until Tenzing realized that every second he saw Will talking and gesturing and being so enthusiastic, his eyes basically shining with ardour, his own heart felt closer and closer to bursting out, as if it could not handle how much the man on the other side of the table meant to him and how much joy it brought Tharkay to see Will like this.

And of course nothing could quite topple the moment he learned of the mortal peril Laurence willingly – thoughtlessly – put himself in and began scorning Will like an overprotective governess, behindhand trying to cover up distress with acridity.

The only moment that maybe could compete with that was the point of the conversation when he brought up, God knows what for, the fact that he himself owes Laurence his life reminding them both of how Will put himself in an unpleasant position where he asked mercy of Bonaparte himself.

Compared to that, the silence that accompanied them as they took the carriage back home was twice as uncomfortable, but twice as blessed as well. Who knows what further damage Tharkay could make.

After arriving back at the mansion, he hid in his study, using the need to organise his papers and write a handful of letters as an excuse to disappear for the rest of the day. He forced himself to sit down at his desk, even though he felt like pacing to and fro around the room, until his legs would give up under him.

Tharkay made himself think calmly. He just needed to play this right. First, it was necessary to limit Will's stay in his house to the shortest time possible, before something that cannot be undone happens. Will ought to find himself a place somewhere at the other end of the borough. Hopefully, Temeraire's work, which will perhaps involve him to some extent as well, shall keep him occupied enough not to pay Tenzing visits too frequently after all.

Tharkay sighed, burying his face in his hands. What an awful fix did he find himself in. He wanted Will away from himself, so that his feelings would remain hidden and he can uphold his friendship with Will and everything would stay the same, but... the trouble was that was not what he truly wanted. He wanted Will to live here, to live with him. He wanted Will to wake up by his side, and stay in bed late, reading a newspaper next to him. He wanted to eat breakfast with him and dine with him and drink afternoon tea with him. He wanted to walk around the lake and the hills with him and Temeraire flying above them. He wanted the three of them to sit together and think over their problems and find solutions together. He wanted them here.

Luckily, Tharkay has already learned his lesson. He had already allowed himself to hope for such happiness once, despite being well aware how slim the chances were and got punished for it. Tharkay knew when to cut short his high hopes. It was even easier this time with Will than with Sara, since then he was much younger, much sillier than he was now.

Tharkay snorted.

 _Easier_.

 

***

 

When Tharkay woke up the following morning, he gladly assessed his mood as gloom, but resigned to his fate. He has already been aware of how hopeless his feelings were since the very beginning and he has already managed to, if not make peace, than at least embrace this hopelessness.

There was no one in the dining room when Tharkay walked downstairs, so he guessed Will must still be asleep. His absence was most welcome, but he nevertheless decided to wait with breakfast for Laurence, not being able to deny himself at least that.

Tharkay savoured the peace and quiet of the almost empty house. Of course, he knew he had to fix some staff for his estate quickly, for he could not take care of it all by himself, yet the lack of strangers wandering all around his home gave him a pleasant feeling of privacy and liberty he was so used to and which he would forfeit with utmost reluctance.

Having decided that it would be most desired to see and inquire how Temeraire was doing, Tenzing left the house and headed down to the lake, to the spot which the dragon has already claimed as his own.

In an unnerving contradiction with Tharkay's resolution to get rid of Will, the man was struck by how perfect a place that would be for Temeraire's pavilion, should the two of them stay with him.

As silently as he could, he walked beside the sleeping dragon and sat cross-legged next to him. He stared at the tiny waves washing over the stony beach, finding their rhythm and the silent hum they produced incredibly calming. Hypnotizing even, as he realized, when Temeraire calling his name caused him to flinch rapidly.

"Why, good morning" Tharkay said "Forgive me"

"That is alright" the dragon replied.

"Did I wake you?"

"Not at all" Temeraire said "I woke earlier, I was only napping. I like to listen to the birds and the forest and the lake. It is ever so idyllic here"

"I am glad you find it so" Tharkay replied "I do hope the matter of, er, meals is not too inconvenient for you. I have yet to find a decent cook to feed all of us properly."

"Oh, do not bother yourself with that, I am perfectly fine" Temeraire said "It was extremely generous of you to let us stay here; we would be most ungrateful guests if we minded something as minor."

Tharkay chuckled at the resemblance between Laurence and Temeraire's approach. After all he has seen, he knew that dragon's temper was hardly dependant on his upbringing, yet he could not shake the impression that some of Will's manner transferred to Temeraire.

"That was what Will said as well" he said, voicing his thoughts.

"Of course" Temeraire glanced at him "First of all, it would be incredibly rude and petty to complain about something like that. Secondly, both Laurence and I are aware of how much we owe you."

"Well, you did aid me a couple of times yourselves, do not forget that" Tharkay replied, still amused "Had it not been for the two of you, I would be dead at least doubly"

"Do not say that! We would never have it! Laurence would never have it"

Tenzing's heart skipped a bit. He could find no answer, so instead he just put his hand on Temeraire’s foot and patted it gently. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Temeraire spoke again:

"It is a most pleasant area indeed" he said "I dare say it is even better than our valley in New South Wales, due to the lack of certain unpleasant uncivilized company. Although we did manage to make peace of sorts with the bunyips and it became a highly enjoyable place to live"

"Warmer too, I bet" Tharkay replied.

"Only slightly" Temeraire said quickly "And we do not mind the colder weather in the slightest. Personally, I think it is even healthier. Therefore, I would say that your valley is even superior to ours. Far less spiders too. I did not mind them much – they were much too small for me to notice – but the rest of the men did complain about them a lot. They bit and it was highly unpleasant, from what I could gather. It is not an issue here, though"

"I am... happy to hear that" Tharkay said unsurely, struck by the vague impression that Temeraire's remarks were leading to something, yet he did not figure out what yet.

"It was a tad too desolated as well" Temeraire continued "We did not mind being by ourselves, yet, from time to time, it would have been nice to have a friend pay us a visit. Sadly, apart from the Chinese port which as far too distant for us to reach, the only dragon nearby was Caesar, and Laurence and I were both glad that he and Rankin did not visit us even once"

"I imagine that it is a nice change to have all your friends closer" Tharkay said "Unless another war breaks, I suppose they are going to spend most of their time here, on the isles"

"Indeed and I am certainly glad that we will live nearby your estate. Laurence and I shall be elated to have you close"

"As shall I" Tharkay said stiffly.

"Even though" Temeraire continued implacably "I cannot imagine however we could find a place as charming as this valley. Or a house as nice as yours. I very much like how it looks, by the way, even though I would make some improvements. It is an uncommonly big house, is it not?"

Tharkay blinked, surprised by the sudden question.

"I suppose it is rather big, yes" he said.

"I thought so!" Temeraire said joyfully.

Tharkay thought he finally understood where all this was leading. He spoke, but at the same time, Temeraire began talking as well, not only drowning out Tharkay's words, but not even hearing them.

"Temeraire..."

"I just thought of something! Would it not be marvellous if we stayed here together? You said so yourself, it is such a big house. Far too huge for one person only."

"I... said..."

"I do not need much either" Temeraire added "A simple pavilion. With a roof and some walls and maybe a window so I can see the lake. I almost forgot! I could pay for it myself! How splendid!"

"Temeraire" Tharkay said "This, uh, this needs some further consideration"

"Well, certainly, I will have someone draw up a scheme for me..."

"No, I meant... the whole idea" Tharkay said, unpleasantly surprised that he had to lay down his objections so plainly, instead of having them delivered as a rather natural and subtle process "It is not that I do not want you here, for I would be thrilled if you could stay, however... I cannot have you here"

"Oh. Oh, I understand" Temeraire said, his ruff, which previously rose in excitement, now dropped "It was rude of me to say something like that. Laurence would be so ashamed of me"

"I just... There are reasons... I will be elated to have you living in the borough and exchange visits and keep in touch. But you cannot stay with me"

"But why?" the dragon said miserably "Laurence would be so happy"

"Please, you must not mention that to him! I beg you" Tharkay said hastily, feeling that he is losing grip over what was left of his control over the situation "Please, you must not mention that we talked. I cannot have Laurence living nearby, living in the same house. I just... he cannot stay here. Trust me. It is better this way, please."

He stood up and turned back to the house to leave. Will stood a couple of feet in front of him, with a frown that displayed – God damn this man! – rather puzzlement and hurt than anger.

 

*

 

This day, Laurence somehow managed to sleep past dawn, as if all the storm of the previous day has somehow calmed overnight, allowing him to rest, slowly coming to terms with all that has been going on in his mind. His feelings no longer seemed foreign to him, but rather they appeared obvious and plain to see, had he considered it earlier. They have been here for quite some time, waiting for a proper moment to let themselves be known, like a intrusive relative paying a visit early in the morning, discovering the host is still asleep, and settling in the living room to wait for him to come downstairs, forbidding the staff from waking him.

It was a similar sensation to the one Laurence went through while recovering his memory. It did not return to him all at once, but instead, after being triggered, slowly fell back into place, piece by piece and with no sudden flash of enlightenment when it was entirely back.

Laurence was almost amused at how unbothered he was by finding his feeling directed towards a man. It felt maybe unexpected but not unnatural, now that he experienced it himself.

Years ago, he may have been shocked by it. But that was before everything. Before the world turned upside down and kept doing so a good couple of times. Before he no longer knew what was right and what was wrong and before Granby's confession and all the thinking it forced Laurence to do.

He has done so many things he would ever thought himself capable of since then. And, Laurence was not going to lie to himself, he would much rather be found guilty of such crime. An unexpected crime, yes, but certainly not vile or perverted as he was taught to believe.

Laurence chuckled. After all these years, he should probably get rid of the word "unexpected" entirely, for unexpected seemed to be happening to him virtually every day, forging a stoicism of sorts in his approach.

The only question was: what should he do with it now?

Tell Tenzing? Keep it to himself and pretend nothing has changed?

He did not think he had enough courage to do the former, yet he valued Tharkay's trust and his own integrity too much to do the latter,

Usually in such fight-or-flight situations, Laurence had a very clear idea of what ought to be done. Yet now, somehow, standing before the court and handing himself over as he did after committing treason seemed easier than laying out the truth before Tenzing.

Maybe he should write him a letter and disappear?

He dismissed the notion momentarily.

 _Come now_ , he thought, _it would not be the first time you fight a lost fight_.

Except this time he could lose so much. He was well and truly in love and it made his heart soar with joy and his mind numb with fear. And what chance did he have of not ruining everything?

 _Breakfast first_ , Laurence decided, getting out of bed, _worrying later_.

As it turned out he succeeded in neither. He expected to find Tharkay downstairs and when he did not, it hardly seemed alright to him to barge through the host's kitchen by himself.

Laurence sat by the dining table and looked out the window, facing the side opposite to the lake. At some point, he caught himself tapping his foot nervously. He forced himself to stop, but even as he did, he still felt a tight knot in his stomach, just like the one he could feel directly before taking his lieutenant's exam.

At that moment Will realised he has already made up his mind. Or, at least, he knew what he had to do. He would not be able to live hiding such a secret from Tharkay. Apart from it being – in his opinion – dishonesty, he simply would not be able to uphold the act for so long, especially not before Tharkay. He might as well try lying to Temeraire, with presumably comparable success. He just did not know who would expose it sooner – they, or he himself.

In other words – he had to tell him. Will he get rejected? Presumably. Nothing Tharkay has ever said or done could suggest otherwise. Will it be awkward afterwards? Certainly. He could only hope that Tharkay will not be put off by the lawfully forbidden feeling on Will's part, since he never bothered himself much with what the government might say.

Will did not want to lose his friendship, if he could not count for anything else, but perhaps they will be able to work through it. It was unpleasant when Edith – reasonably – returned his word, yet they managed to uphold warm feelings towards one another and remain friends.

Yes, he could certainly hope for that. They went through worse.

Will stood up. He felt better now that his mind was made up. No less terrified, but at least no longer torn. I should do it now, as soon as Tharkay appears, he thought, the sooner the better.

He did not really feel like waiting for Tenzing in the dining room, so – yet again – he decided to go to Temeraire, whom he talked to only very briefly the previous evening, being tired both from walking around town for the better part of the day.

Well, he thought, as walked outside, so I did choose to do things the dragon way after all. Be straightforward and worry about the consequences as they come. Laurence walked briskly towards Temeraire's beach, noticing how beautiful the day was, despite the rain that fell during the night, and turned the sides of the solid, stone path into mud.

Deep in thought, he did not realize that the dragon was not alone until he was so close, he could hear the conversation. He meant to call out so as to avoid being caught eavesdropping, when he realised what was being said:

"...we talked. I cannot have Laurence living nearby, living in the same house" Tharkay was saying "I just... he cannot stay here."

Unconsciously, Laurence took another few steps forward, trying to understand what he heard.

"Trust me. It is better this way, please" Tharkay finished and got up.

Laurence did not even have time to think what to do or what to say when Tenzing turned around and saw him. His face paled and his eyes widened, as he stared at Will in horror.

"Will..." he stammered.

"Good morning" Will replied dully, unable to come up with anything else.

He finally managed to process Tharkay's words and felt his throat clench painfully. So he did not want him here. It is not as if Will dared to hope... _oh, Lord, did he dare to hope_... that somehow miraculously everything will pan out well.

Tharkay's objections were fully justified, of course. After all, this was his house and he could do with it as he pleased and Will would never be the first to ask it he and Temeraire could stay there – even if he would agree without a second thought if Tharkay asked – but hearing them delivered so distinctly did hurt him nonetheless.

A brief fear froze him for a second – did he know? Did Tharkay realise what was going on with Will and, despite Laurence's previous hope, decided that he does not want to have anything to do with him? Will discarded the notion. It has been only a day. He could not have been that obvious... could he?

A more probable possibility was that it was a matter of something Will heard from him years ago. As a foreigner, rejected by his family here in England, he had to put twice as much effort in upholding his reputation, being regarded with xenophobic suspicion. Sharing a house with a person of highly strained reputation would not aid his efforts.

At least now Laurence knew that – for whatever reason – Tharkay wanted to put some distance between the two – three – of them. The bright side was, it answered Will's unasked question, freeing him of making the confession.

Temeraire watched both of them uneasily, apparently unsure of what he could say to improve the situation.

"I did not mean to say it like that" Tharkay said, quietly.

"I understand" Will replied stiffly "If you could just tell me why... It would make our future relations easier if I know what to make of it"

Tharkay bit his lip. His eyes were still fixed on Will's face, and Laurence has never seen so much conflict in them.

"Tenzing, please, we have been friends for so long" he said, trying to put as much warmth in his voice as he could, letting Tharkay know that he was not resentful "I know I have... made mistakes, mistakes that everyone will remember no matter what. I know you have to care for your name now. If you no longer wish to uphold our acquaintance as close as it used to be, or at all, I will understand. Just tell me the truth, I ask no more"

 

*

 

Tharkay made a wry face. Will's words hurt him even more as he felt a small lightening shooting through his stomach, as Laurence used his name. _He thinks I want him away because I care what people are going to think, that moron_ , he thought. Well, everything was falling apart already; he might as well blow all that was left away at once.

"We have been friends, yes" he said through gritted teeth "And I shall forever stay your friend but I can consider you such no longer. I would be lying to myself and to you"

"Tenzing..."

"Will, I want you to know that there is not a thing in this world I hold more dear than you" Tharkay said, looking to the side "I wish to call you my friend, but that would not be entirely true, when I know, that to me you are something infinitely more precious and that I can never hope to be the same to you"

Laurence was staring at him, wide-eyed.

Tharkay pushed back all his feelings and continued in a calm, almost dry tone, so different than the heated voice he spoke a second ago:

"My offer still stands. You and Temeraire are welcome to find yourselves a place here, in the borough, so that he can have the place in the Parliament he deserves. I shall assist you however I can and I wish best of luck to you both. You need not uphold any further contact with me, I am aware how that would be awkward now, that everything is clear."

Not waiting for a response, he passed Will and started walking up the hill.

 

*

 

Laurence stood motionless, blood thudding in his ears and his heart almost jumping out of his chest, outrunning his mind, which still tried to process Tharkay's words.

It could not be. It was too fantastic to be true.

"Laurence, should you not talk to him?" Temeraire asked "He seemed very upset"

Tharkay was already almost at the door, when Will finally found his voice and called after him:

"Tenzing!"

He ran up the hill, mud splashing from under his boots and right at his breeches. He could not care less. He almost did not notice when he slipped on the wet stone and fell. In a matter of seconds he was up and running again, as if his life depended on it.

 _"TENZING!"_ he yelled once more.

His voice was made to outshout the raging storm at sea and the howling wind on a dragon's back and Tharkay could not pretend he did not hear it. He stopped walking with visible reluctance, but did not turn around.

Laurence reached him and had to support himself with his hand against the wall of the building as he tried to catch his breath. Tharkay kept his gaze fixed on the wooden back door.

"Laurence, I would rather make this situation as short as possible" he said.

"No can do"

Laurence put his hand on Tharkay's shoulder and gently forced him to turn back to him. Tharkay met his gaze with a barrier of cold indifference in his eyes. Now that Will knew what hid behind it, it no longer deterred him. He took a deep breath.

"Tenzing" he said, his voice trembling slightly "My dear... my _dearest_. Forgive me for not having spoken. I feared if I did, everything would shatter, for it was too incredible to be true. Because never would I dare to hope that your feelings could... possibly reflect mine"

Tharkay's eyes widened as the indifference in them disappeared momentarily, replaced by a storm of emotion of more intensity than Laurence has ever seen.

"I was lost a lot of times..." Will continued, no longer sure where he was going, but the momentum pushing him forward "But you found me, even when I could not and I can never repay... I have made..."

"If you are going to say you have made mistakes I am going to push you down this hill" Tharkay interrupted.

Words have failed Will entirely as Tharkay's hands gently cupped his face. His eyes were wandering around it, as if reading all things Laurence could not say, but which were clearly visible in his expression.

And then Tharkay smiled and it was as if another sun appeared inches away from Will. Laurence felt his own lips forming a wide smile and he could not help but laugh as he pulled Tharkay closer and hugged him tightly, burying his face in Tharkay's neck and still laughing. He breathed in the familiar scent of Tharkay's skin and his hair. He barely noticed Tenzing's arms wrapping around his neck and one of his hands stroking his hair and before he knew it, he was kissing Tharkay, maybe a bit too enthusiastically, because Tenzing had to take a step back and lean against the door to keep his balance.

 

*

 

When their lips touched, Tharkay felt as if another lightning more powerful than ever went through his entire body, hitting him somewhere in the abdomen, from where a wave of incredible warmth radiated all around him.

One of his hands clenched the fabric of Will's shirt; the other was already tangled in his hair. He recalled how a few times he gave in and allowed himself to imagine what it would be like to kiss Laurence. Reality was three thousand times better. He did not consider, for example, the warm weight of Will's body pressed against his or Will's short stubble pricking his cheek or, despite every other part of his body being harsh and firm, just how soft Will's lips were.

They had to pull apart as Tharkay felt his lips spread in a wide smile and for a while they just rested their foreheads together, breathing faster.

"I could get used to that" Laurence said.

"You could?"

"Definitely. You?"

"I could"

"I am glad to hear that" Will said, still slightly out of breath "Because I hoped, perhaps, maybe, given the, uh, new circumstances, you could reconsider... For nothing would make me happier than to... to stay with you and share my life with yours if... if you would have me"

Tharkay laughed, feeling, for the first time in a long while, light. How his world changed in a matter of minutes and how from the pit of despair he was suddenly lifted high above.

"I would" he said "I would, Laurence... Will. _Will_ "

"Tenzing"

A familiar thrill shot through Tharkay's stomach. He could most definitely get used to that.

"There is nothing I desire more than for the two of you to call this place home" Tharkay said "And Temeraire shall have a most magnificent pavilion, one that he deserves and everything he could dream of"

"Oh, Lord, Temeraire" Laurence said glancing at the bottom of the hill "We should go and explain ourselves"

"I owe him an apology, I fear" Tharkay replied, frowning "I do hope he understands"

"He will" Laurence replied "I have not the least doubt he will. He shall only be confused by how long it took us"

As they walked the stone path down the hill, Laurence felt Tharkay's hand taking his. He realized it did not feel out of place in the slightest.

Surprisingly, when Laurence reached out with his thoughts to the man walking next to him, he did not feel their relationship shifted, now that everything cleared up. He still thought of Tharkay as his friend, only now, it seemed as if their relationship expanded to a new level of intimacy, not erasing what it used to be, but rather enriching it by new shades of affection and new possibilities. It was reassuring, even if unknown.

Holding his hand felt as obvious as shaking it, and kissing him as natural as embracing him.

They found Temeraire sitting up, alert, his tail wagging nervously and his talons scratching the smooth stones of the beach. He looked up, as he saw them approaching.

Laurence and Tharkay stood in front of the dragon and Laurence felt that in a very similar fashion a couple of blushing younglings might stand in front of a stern-looking father, about to ask his acceptance. Perhaps it was not entirely unjustified to feel that way.

"I must beg your forgiveness, Temeraire" Tharkay said, bowing his head slightly "I refused your request earlier rather rudely due to, er, apprehended complications that your stay here could bring about. However, it seems my fears have been unfounded. I shall be glad if you would agree to stay here and I promise you both will want for nothing.

Temeraire's ruff rose slightly and visible tension seemed to disappear from the dragon's stance.

"I would also like to ask you" Tharkay continued "to be so kind and agree to share Will with me"

Laurence glanced at him, amused. Even more so when he recalled his recent reflection.

"Oh, so now I am an eligible bachelor?" he asked.

"Exactly" Tharkay nodded "For you see, while my family would get rid of me rather gladly, you have someone who has all right to call you his own and that is one of the few rights I intend not to violate, ever"

Letting go of his hand, Tharkay took a step forward at looked at Temeraire seriously.

"Temeraire, I can only promise you that you will be able to rely on me as much as you do on Will and that I shall never expect more love on his part than what he can spare without diminishing the devotion owed to you"

His words sounded solemnly and as Laurence finally stopped staring at Tharkay and looked at the dragon, he saw him looking carefully at Tharkay, apparently holding him responsible of every word. Laurence had hardly considered it before, finding it rather obvious that there is more than enough space in his heart to hold both Temeraire and Tenzing and that no love given to one will cost any of what was due to the other. He realized now however, recalling Temeraire's previous objections against him getting married, that upon such situation Temeraire might indeed worry, despite what he claimed the previous day.

"Very well" Temeraire said graciously "I agree"

"Thank you" Tharkay replied.

This time Will took his hand and squeezed it gently, wordlessly expressing his approval.

Temeraire lowered his head and nudged their hands. Laurence stroked the dragon's nose with his free hand. Tharkay laid his hand on Temeraire's forehead as well. The dragon's eyes squinted in content and at that moment, Laurence felt everything was in the right place.

Something clicked in the universe and Will knew he is where he was supposed to be.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to yell into the void about Tharkay and Laurence with me come here: https://darkandstormyranger.tumblr.com/


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